As the first week of February ended, talks began to circulate about an upcoming work trip to Poland for CC and his colleagues in the department. While the departure date was confirmed at the end of the week, everyone was already preparing for the trip.

On February 2nd, 2022, CC received the alert to prepare for this upcoming trip and he was thrilled about it. By the following week, they had a scheduled departure date and time, so he invited me to his place for dinner after work. Despite feeling excited about the invitation, I couldn’t shake off the negative thoughts from Mr. F’s earlier warning. I was anxious about the possibility of being secretly recorded, especially in a space I had no control over, as I was having unsettling dreams about it. However, I knew I couldn’t let these thoughts stop me from enjoying the evening, and I saw them as intrusively irrational.

Thursday, 3^rd February 2022

As the clock struck 5 pm, I could feel my anticipation building up for the evening ahead. However, I made a strategic decision to delay my departure from work until 5:30 pm, giving him a head start. My reasoning behind this was simple yet effective: by the time I left, he would have ample time to reach home and make the necessary preparations for my impending arrival. I wanted to allow him enough time to make his space presentable and to hide things away that he perhaps don’t need me to see. It was all part of my plan to ensure that our time together would be nothing short of perfect.

As soon as I arrived, he greeted me with a warm smile and ushered me inside. Without saying a word, he led me through a door that seemed to lead to a garage but instead opened-up to a small yet charming courtyard, nestled right in the heart of his apartment. I couldn’t help but admire the spacious surroundings – there was an open paved area, a lovely little garden, and even a cozy sitting area, all surrounded by the apartment walls and a barn. It was the perfect setting for socializing, complete with the ideal atmosphere for hosting barbeques and get-togethers.

Perched atop the highest floor of the building, his apartment was shared with two others. As we made our way inside, I couldn’t help but take note of the layout – his room was conveniently located closest to the main exit, with a narrow hallway leading past the bathroom on the left, followed by a cozy kitchen and a comfortable living room area. And then, there was his room – a haven of relaxation and entertainment, complete with a desk for work, a comfortable chair for lounging, and even a makeshift sofa for when he felt like kicking back. Despite the limited space, he had made the most of it, creating a cozy abode that offered both functionality and comfort.

As we stepped into the bedroom, we shared the same affectionate greeting as we did during his visit to my place. We embraced and exchanged kisses before settling down on the bed for a bit of conversation. Soon, we decided to kick back and watch a movie called Isles of Dogs. Midway through the movie, he suddenly popped up to start preparing dinner – pasta in a delicious cream sauce with chicken. Offering to join him in the kitchen, he asked if I wanted to help, but I declined, preferring to wait in the room. While he didn’t explicitly insist, he seemed content with me staying put. I refrained from venturing out into the main area of the apartment, as I didn’t want to risk running into his roommates, especially the coworker who worked at our company. We were still getting to know each other, and while it was comforting to know that he was okay with his roommate seeing me there, I didn’t want to give the wrong impression by overstepping my bounds or inserting myself into his life. After all, I knew that our time connecting was only temporary.

Finally, I mustered up the courage to venture out of the room and into the kitchen to return the plates and dishes. To my relief, his roommates were all tucked away in their own rooms, making me feel slightly more at ease as I stepped out into the common space.

The evening was a delightful one, and if I had to make a remark about our limited sexual encounters at that point, it would be this – it only got better with time. While our first time together was already satisfying, the more we spent time getting to know each other, the more at ease and secure I felt with him. I found myself gradually letting my guard down, even if it was only for a fleeting moment, and that made our intimate moments even more gratifying.

Wednesday, 9^th February 2022

Before You Go

On that particular morning, I prepared for work meticulously by packing a small toiletry kit, extra set of underwear, and an additional top. As the day progressed, I found myself feeling eager yet apprehensive about seeing him again. However, I remained optimistic about the evening and hoped that it would be a pleasant one before he departed to Poland. Knowing that he would be leaving that coming Sunday for a long period, I decided to buy him a room spray and candle from Rituals while I was there purchasing candles for myself. Recalling how much he enjoyed the scent of my room spray and candles, I chose a fragrance that I believed was not too feminine and had a calming effect. This was my farewell gift to him, considering that he would be away for more than 90 days.

With his departure date looming, he asked me if I could pay him a visit on Wednesday. Originally, they were told they might start the long drive to Poland on either Saturday or Sunday but that changed. So, we had time to spend one last moment together.

As usual, I delayed my arrival at his place. However, upon entering his abode, I was welcomed with a delicious dinner waiting on the table. I had brought him biryani with chicken as a gift, in exchange for his own chicken and curry dish. I also gifted him the room spray and candle, suggesting he take it along with him, so he could unwind after a long day. He graciously thanked me for the thoughtful present, and our interactions continued in the same manner as my previous visit. This time, I stayed over at his place, so I could easily leave for work the next day.

Sunday, 13^th February 2022

Last Drink

Over the weekend, he spent the day preparing for his trip. Throughout the day, we kept in touch with each other, and it was during one of our conversations that he mentioned packing and organizing all the items he would need for the trip. This involved cleaning up his place and doing some laundry.

As evening approached, he mentioned that he was going out to grab a bite to eat. To my surprise, he sent me a photo of a mouthwatering burger accompanied by a pint of Guinness. It was unusual for him to send pictures of his meals, so it stuck with me.

Throughout that night, we exchanged texts until around 10 pm when he stopped replying. It wasn’t out of the ordinary.

The next morning, I texted him as usual, but I received no response. As hours went by, my concern grew, and I wondered if I had done something to upset him, or if he had been in an accident or some other unfortunate event had occurred.

After several hours of not hearing from him, I started to think he had a one-night stand and met someone else. I messaged him multiple times but received no response until around 8 pm that night. Frustrated with the lack of communication, I sent him a message saying that if he no longer wanted to talk to me, he should just tell me. Finally, he replied saying he had gotten very drunk and couldn’t respond earlier. I was surprised because he had previously told me he didn’t drink and had not taken a sip in months. So I assumed he didn’t drink. He explained that he went to a bar he frequented, and the bartender gave him a few free drinks because he was leaving for months. He got so drunk that he came home late that morning and spent the day nursing a bad hangover.

Departure Day

On Monday morning, he arrived at work with an eagerness to get things going. He asked if we could meet in the parking lot before he left, and I obliged. I found him waiting in his car that morning, upon entering I realized that I had never been inside his car before. He then drove me to a back parking lot close to his work building and passionately kissed me. While I reciprocated the kiss, I couldn’t help feeling uneasy about it being my first public display of affection at work in over six years. My mind was preoccupied with the fear of someone spotting us, so I rushed him. I never got the chance to explain my lack of experience with PDA, coyness with hand-holding or breaking the fifth wall with another person. I was too self-conscious and presumed that he would not understand my hesitation.

Despite feeling a bit exposed, I went along with his desire to kiss me, sharing that fleeting moment together. It was a small gesture, but it meant the world to me because I’ve never felt wanted by a man without some ulterior motive for their own gratification. I appreciated his actions, and it was a refreshing change to be desired for just being me, without any strings attached.

I went along with his need to kiss me and spend this tiny moment with me despite feeling a bit vulnerable about it.  I apricated his actions regardless of where it was coming from because I haven’t and perhaps never felt wanted by a man for a reason that wasn’t motivated by something that led to their pleasure.

As our brief encounter came to an end, he drove me back to the main parking lot and dropped me off. I walked around to the driver’s side and bid him farewell, telling him how much I’d miss him. But the voice of the old island girl in me chimed in, calling my actions ridiculous and nonsensical.

For a moment, we locked gazes that were brimming with a profound longing on my part. I couldn’t decipher what he was thinking or feeling, but for me, it was a sensation that felt all too familiar yet bizarre. It was an emotion I didn’t want to experience. I didn’t want to genuinely feel like I was missing something or someone when they weren’t around. It wasn’t just him; I didn’t want to invest in any emotion for anyone, be it longing, sorrow, or even lust.

I refused to latch onto these feelings because I doubted their authenticity. I had a foolish timeline ingrained in my mind, and I berated myself for foolishly holding on to it. There was a nagging sense that something was amiss, and this experience didn’t quite fit in with the rest of my life. The idea of deviating from my timeline left me feeling uneasy, and I didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that perhaps things weren’t always supposed to fit into a neat little package.

Despite these nagging doubts, I found myself delving into his eyes, searching for any indication that he might miss me too. My heart skipped a beat as he leaned in and asked for a farewell kiss while still sitting in his car. It was a brazen move, right in front of the main building amidst a sea of people arriving for work, standing around chitchatting, or waiting to hop on the bus bound for Poland. Despite the early hour and the slight cover of the rising sun, I couldn’t shake my nervousness about kissing him in public. But in that moment, I pushed past my discomfort and leaned in for the kiss. And I was glad I did; it was a thrilling rush of adrenaline that left me buzzing for the rest of the day. Imprinting a singular image of him in my mind; learning out the window looking at me longingly.

A Week of Infection

In his first week away, I was struck with a dreaded first ever – bladder infection, paired with a yeast infection for good measure. By Thursday, the discomfort had grown unbearable with painful back pain, so I dragged myself to the doctor. Who prescribed antibiotics and urged me to take a day’s rest. As I lay in bed, writhing in agony, my thoughts drifted to the possible cause of my affliction. Could it be a sexually transmitted disease or infection? After all, I had never had a bladder infection before.

While waiting for the doctor’s conclusive answer, I decided to go radio silent on him for a week, with no plans to text him again unless he reached out first. I soon learned that our recent sexual escapades, especially our last encounters, were to blame. It wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t and STI/STD, but next time, I concluded I would know better.

***

On a Saturday evening, as I was enjoying a dinner with my co-workers, he sent me a text message. I didn’t expect it, but it was nice to hear from him. However, a few days later when I brought up my recent bout with a bladder infection, he seemed to ignore it completely. He didn’t ask me how I was feeling or show any concern. It was as if he didn’t want to address it and instead changed the subject in his next text message.

Journal Entry Extract 

“Wow, he just skipped over the message. I guess I should have said I had a bladder infection caused by… Then see what he would say. Seems like a strange form of shyness in him that I wasn’t aware of. I must be very careful here. For if anything else serious happens I don’t see him taking responsibility or caring beyond his own pain.”  – Sunday, 21 Feburary 2022