25^th, 26^th & 27^th February 2022

Weekend Getaway

CC’s return was anticipated for the end of February, but plans changed at the last minute, and he was redirected to another location to work for almost 90 days. The night CC was due to arrive, we planned to meet up, so I decided to surprise him with the lingerie I purchased. Two weeks earlier I purchased three sets, and they looked so stunning on me that I bought a few more for months to come. I was excited to see how CC would react to them and how they made me feel. I modeled the first few sets for him in pictures and on video chat, which was an enjoyable experience for both of us.

Our eagerly awaited reunion was unexpectedly put on hold when I received news that he had to leave Poland for a work assignment in the Upper Palatinate region of eastern Bavaria. Despite the distance, we were determined to see each other, so we made plans for me to drive down to visit him. Since this was a better option than flying to Poland I didn’t mind driving to Bavaria. On a Friday afternoon, right after finishing work, I hit the road. Unfortunately, I got stuck in traffic, and what should have taken a few hours was extended due to road work and two accidents.

***

I picked him up at his hotel that night, then we headed to our hotel, situated in a picturesque area at a higher elevation than where he was staying. That town had a population of no more than 6,000, but it was breathtakingly beautiful. When we arrived, we realized that all the restaurants in the area had closed, so we couldn’t catch up over dinner. We ended up enjoying our reunion by dining on the provisions I had picked up from the Aldi, it was a cozy and intimate experience, just the two of us in a small, serene town.

The following morning, I rose early to drive him back down the mountain for work. As the sun came up, I relished the breathtaking views of the thick tree line, the winding roads, and the invigorating mountain air. The feeling of complete acceptance was overwhelming, and the scenery was unforgettable, particularly the old homes and the river that flowed alongside my hotel room. I returned to my room after the drive and slept until early afternoon. Later, I ventured out and was able to see the town and all the little places around it.

Later that day, I went back to the hotel, and a few hours after, he texted me asking if I could pick him up so we could grab dinner. Excitedly, I drove to his location. That evening, we decided to have Chinese food.

Afterwards we headed back to the hotel for our final night together. As we left the restaurant, there were a few unforgettable moments that added to the magic of the evening.

List of Trips

As I sat in the well-appointed breakfast area of the 4-star hotel, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of euphoria mingled with unsureness. The room was bathed in a brilliant white light that seemed to amplify the beauty of the setting. The hotel was immaculate, and it was easy to see why it was rated as a 4-star establishment based on German standards, but elsewhere it was 3-star.  I forced myself to remember everything; CC was dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and a grey Superdry hoodie, and I was wearing black jeans and an oversized white knit sweater.

We made light conversation as we indulged in breakfast. CC audibly expressed his pleasure with the spread, and we both made multiple trips to the buffet. On his last trip to the buffet, I watched him glory up to grab more food, it was then I noticed his unique gait and wondered if it was something he inherited from his father or was it based on antonymy mostly. Watching him, I realized that he was a complex person who had a surface-level approach to his routines, perhaps as a survival mechanism. Despite our chemistry, I knew we didn’t know each other and might never really be given the chance to do so. Still, in that moment, it didn’t matter to either of us.

His gait exuded an unwavering confidence that was impossible to ignore. With a laser-like focus, he disregarded everything else around him, fixated only on the present moment and his physical existence. It was evident that he was content, his joy occupying a sacred space that was impervious to external factors. Despite recognizing that my perception of him was colored by our mutual desire to present ourselves in a certain way, I yearned to unearth the truth of the matter through my own senses, free from any outside influence.

As he settled back into his seat, my mind began to wander towards the notion of my relationships formed post-marriage. I couldn’t help but ponder the intricacies of such a coupling – when would boredom inevitably set in, prompting one party to disappear or throw in the towel? Would it be triggered by an incessant irritation or a fleeting moment of observation, like when one watches a lover gracefully traverse a room? And then I wondered, when would he tire of me and this adventure we were on? The questions swirled around in my head, begging for answers that I couldn’t provide. Honestly these were all things that would have never crossed my mind this early if it wasn’t for “the talk” with Mr. F.

After Breakfast

As the morning settled in, we retreated to our cozy room, where we watched Euphoria until the time to check-out drew near. Moving through the familiar routines of packing up and returning the room keys, a twinge of melancholy tugged at my heartstrings as I realized our brief sojourn in this space had come to an end.

As we descended the mountain, leaving behind the scenic beauty that had captivated us for the weekend, I gazed up at the sky and marveled at its transformation. The tempestuous weather that had besieged us on Friday night, with its unrelenting onslaught of snow and rain, had now given way to a sun-drenched spring-like afternoon. From the passenger seat of the rental car, I drank in the awe-inspiring sight above, feeling as though I had been transported back to a very distinct moment.

As I sat down to pour out my emotions onto paper then transform them into this blog post, a strange realization dawned upon me. Over a decade ago, I had crafted a short story entitled “Life Synopsis” that echoed the very emotions I was struggling to articulate. What made it more bizarre was that the tale had been inspired by my musings as a fifth grader, staring up at the sky and grappling with similar sentiments. It was as if the universe had conspired to bring my past and present together, urging me to reflect on the cyclical nature of emotions and how they reverberate across time. In that moment, I couldn’t help but marvel at the interconnectedness of life and how each experience leaves an indelible mark on our psyche.

I took a picture of my last view as we left the hotel and this was what I saw. Of course, with a camera phone its redendered flat and life-life, but in person it was a very beautiful and hopeful day.

I looked out the window looking at the emptiness of the village.  I looked at the mountain for a moment observing the clouds drifting by and I could already feel the sadness when I thought of how beautiful the day was and how in a few hours it would be over.  There was a deep longing inside begging to stay in that moment.  A moment where I would be able to embrace the warmth of that day and never let it go.  For that moment I tried to absorb the peace I felt in solitude.  The way I felt at that moment scared me, because it felt like a pair of old soul eyes had emerged from behind this new mind.  It felt like I had lived many lifetimes before, and this was the only time that my pass and present life linked.  Whoever I was before surfaced at the sight of nature’s beauty, and the deep yearning to have all my questions answered.  I then had a moment where I couldn’t wait to witness the same thing in other parts of the world. 

– Life Synopsis, 15th March 2012

As we got further away from the hotel we filled the silent moments with the sound of the music he streamed. Then he bought up the idea of creating a list of places I wanted to visit while in Germany.  I remember telling him that while trying to book the hotel I discovered that there was a tree top walk close to the Black Forest I planned on visiting. I told him it was about two hours from his current location and perhaps the next time I visited him maybe we can go visit it. I was surprised that he bought up the idea of doing some traveling together, because it never crossed my mind. I naturally assumed that statements and actions like these were best pushed a few months down the line.

***

After we arrived at his hotel, I settled in for a few hours, knowing that soon enough it would be time to depart and make the arduous trek back home. Although I was content with my visit, a nagging thought lingered in the back of my mind: would he have visited me? I couldn’t help but ponder whether he would have made the effort to visit me if our roles were reversed. Even when he asked me to come to Poland, the same thought had crossed my mind. As I reflected on my decision to come, I couldn’t shake the feeling that perhaps he saw me as desperate, willing to endure the long drive and pay for my own expenses just to spend a few fleeting moments with him. Despite my infatuation with him, I couldn’t ignore the inequity of the situation. Even then and now my consciousness knows that he would have never made the effort.

During our time together, he posed a question that caught me off guard. He asked if I felt safe with him, and in that moment, I genuinely believed that I did. But soon after, he made a request of me, and my instincts kicked in. I knew I didn’t want to fulfill his wishes, and I lied, telling him I didn’t have the necessary identification. It’s difficult to delve into the specifics of his request, but I knew why I lied. Even though I couldn’t blame him for his ignorance of my past experiences, I still couldn’t bring myself to trust him fully. I sensed that he saw through my deception, and my guilt was immediate. He didn’t deserve to suffer the consequences of my past traumas. If he ever stumbled upon these words, I’d want him to know how much this moment haunted me long after we parted ways because he didn’t deserve it.

***

As the clock struck 4 pm, I bade farewell to him and embarked on my journey back home. Before departing he gave me some keys to hand off to his brother who had recently started working for the company. Astonishingly, I arrived much earlier than I had anticipated, and upon my return, I sensed an inexplicable transformation in my abode. Strangely enough, I no longer felt like I belonged there. It was as if there was something or someone waiting for me, akin to the ghost of overwhelming desolation. The air was pregnant with looming uncertainty, and tranquility was nowhere to be found. Instead of feeling exhilarated about what lay ahead, I felt a need to prepare for something ominous, yet I was unable to put my finger on what it was. It felt like something was amiss, something was awry!

That night, I recall conversing with CC and assuring him that I had reached home safe. I expressed how delightful it was to see him again and catch up. However, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that my apartment was no longer the same. It felt foreign and peculiar, not like a place I could return to with ease. When CC inquired what I meant, I found myself at a loss for words and refrained from broaching the subject ever again.

End of February 2022