1st April 2022

On Saturday, I awoke to CC wishing me a good morning, reminding me that it was the weekend. Since moving into the same hotel as him, he had spent every night with me except for one. While I didn’t mind the company, there were times when I wanted to maintain my usual morning routine. However, I occasionally slipped up and slept in with him. What intrigued me was how content he appeared every morning, as though he was starting anew. I remembered how he would wake up and exclaim, “Good morning, it’s Friday!” or “Good morning, it’s Saturday!” each day. His positive disposition was a refreshing start to the day, especially considering the chaos we would undoubtedly encounter throughout it.

After he left my hotel room, I prepared myself for the day ahead, but I lacked the motivation to go to work. I recall stepping outside and noticing a light dusting of snow covering the ground. As I stood next to Lady CH and her husband, she noticed my lack of enthusiasm and I confided in her about my slowed-down work tasks. She suggested that since I hadn’t taken a day off in a while, I should consider doing so today. I agreed and she promised to notify Fat Cat that I would be taking a sick day.

After returning to my room, I messaged CC to let him know I wouldn’t be going to work and asked if he could bring my charger back from my desk. He agreed and mentioned that he might leave early too since it was Saturday. I undressed and crawled back into bed, not waking up until around 1 pm. I decided to venture out to find a nearby grocery store to buy some snacks. I discovered an Aldi location on Google Maps and made my way there in just under 10 minutes, braving the cold with snow gently falling around me. The Bavarian town looked enchanting in the snow, yet it exuded a certain stillness that hinted at hidden secrets. As I walked along the street, I couldn’t help but think back to the previous the St. Patrick’s Day celebration on 17th March, where CC had invited me to join him for dinner with a small group. On our way back to the hotel that night, he sang me one of the Irish pub songs about a man returning home to a cheating wife. I couldn’t recall the title, but the lyrics were comical. He explained some of the history of this type of song and seemed to show a particular fondness to these songs as if they triggered a memory.

As I strolled past the rear of an alley, a small river caught my eye. The snow covering the plants, roof, and fence line added to the serenity of the moment, making it one that would be etched into my memory as a nostalgic beauty. I stopped and took in the scenery, feeling a sense of wonder and romanticism towards nature. The moment was so perfect, yet bittersweet because I knew I couldn’t stay there forever. If the scene in front of me was a painting, I would have crawled into it and never returned, even if it meant never seeing CC and the other people I loved again. It felt like a safe haven, but I had to keep moving forward, despite the knowledge that all things must come to an end, including this project and my time with CC.

After my Aldi trip, I took a shower and got ready with the hope of going out to dinner again. The prospect of the same events as last Saturday night unfolding excited me so I was happy to go out. When CC arrived, we headed back to the Irish Bar with Lady CH and her husband. Once there, we met the owner, his wife, and daughter. The daughter, having worked at the dealership before, had an extensive conversation with CC about what it was like working there. She was candid about the negative aspects of the job, warning him that the cons outweighed the pros, especially if another employer was attempting to recruit him.

They talked at length about the dealership, and I couldn’t help but feel a bit excluded. Although their discussion only took up most of dinner, I was jealous as they exchanged words about working for the dealership. When dinner ended, I excused myself to the restroom, hoping that by the time I returned, CC would have already gotten the daughter’s number and their conversation would be over, allowing us to move on.

After dinner, we moved to another bar where we spent some time drinking and talking. Suddenly, his father called him, and he promptly turned the camera to me so his father could see and talk to me. I wasn’t exactly comfortable with this, but I played along and responded as his father told me stories about his Jamaican friend. I wondered why CC did this so smoothly, as if it was a normal thing. Personally, I would never take a call from my parents during that time, unless it was an emergency. I would have taken the call outside and never included CC in the conversation. However, I realized that CC and other people communicate differently, and what seemed unnatural to me was normal to them. Last weekend, when he got a call from his friend back home who was informing him about the passing of a mutual acquaintance, he did the same thing, and I reluctantly said hello on camera. CC saw this type of communication as normal, and he seemed happy to do it, so I figured it wasn’t his problem that I was uncomfortable in those moments. I just had to deal with my issues regarding this and move on.

Afterward, he stood up to play billiards, or as Americans call it, pool. Since I neither knew how to play nor had a strong interest in it, I was content with sitting and watching the guys play. One of the players stood out; he was exceptionally skilled, and when he lost to CC, he took it poorly, even changing the rules of the game at the last minute. When the game was over, we walked down the street back to the same bar/club where we hung out last Saturday. It was the last place we went and where the argument erupted at the end of the night last weekend.

As we walked in, we realized that there were very few colleagues from work in the bar. We later learned that they had moved to another location. CC asked me if I wanted to join them, but I told him that I would only go if he came along. He didn’t seem very keen on the idea, so we decided to stay put. I enjoyed dancing and drinking, but it was apparent that CC wasn’t enjoying himself as much as he did when our group was around. Nevertheless, he stayed with me until he decided to call it a night earlier than last weekend. I didn’t want to leave yet, but I didn’t make a fuss and agreed to go with him. Before we got back to the hotel, we stopped at a Doner kebab shop to buy something to eat.

While waiting in line he kept turning around repeatedly to tell a guy that I was his wife, I noticed how buzzed he was. He continued to say similar things throughout the night, so I made a joke saying, “okay, he is my dependent.” I didn’t think we had drunk enough to warrant this behavior, but I realized I had underestimated the situation. Despite being surprised at first, I was starting to get used to his behavior and decided not to take him too seriously.

What does drunkeness have to do with our subconcious? I made a note to do some rearch on that someday.

Journal Extract – 3rd April 2022

Bedroom Confession

As we walked back, holding the plastic bags containing kebabs wrapped in foil paper, I sensed a need to be receptive as he began to explain something from his past. However, given the overall state of the moment, I wasn’t sure if he would even remember what he was saying, so I hesitated to bring up the topic or inquire about its details. It was difficult to form any judgments in that moment, and I don’t believe anyone could have done so as it would not be fair on a human level. Upon returning to the hotel, I immediately headed to the restroom before returning to the bedroom to sit on the edge of the bed to eat my kabab. CC was lying on his side of the bed, and suddenly, he said, “I think we need to have a talk about us!”

To be honest, I could have done without that moment. As soon as he said those words, I immediately felt like he was going to tell me that he didn’t really like me. But before he could say anything, I told him that I was already aware of the situation and that we were just experiencing this “situationship” as a temporary escape until we both leave this place. I said, “I know you don’t like me!”

CC: “No that’s not it, I know that I am falling in love with you, and I want you to know that instead of hurting you I would rather go away.

Me: Go away where?

CC: “I thought about going to Australia at one point to work on a farm for a season.

Me: “What would you do on the farm?”

CC: “They have visas where you would go and help out on farms”

Me: “what kind of farm?”

CC: “Strawberry farms picking strawberries.”

As someone who was unfamiliar with this program, I was intrigued and asked him about what kind of work he would do on the farm. It was then I learned that just like America, Canada, and Europe; Australia had the farm work visa program that allowed people to work on farms and extend their visa for 2 years. I wasn’t quite in love with him yet. Maybe I was infatuated, fascinated, or captivated by him, but I couldn’t claim to feel love or its fluttering sensations in my heart. To me, it was simply an encounter with another human being. I had hoped for someone to spend time with, maybe a maximum of 3 times per month, someone to confide in and share thoughts with that I couldn’t express to my colleagues, and to have a highly satisfying sex life with. I didn’t view it as anything more than that, and perhaps I was being selfish in my expectations. After he told me this, I thought at the time it was his way of rejecting me and letting me down easily. So, I told him that perhaps it would be best if I took my leave and try my best to depart the contract so this struggle wouldn’t have to be a thing for him. He then told me I was being an ass for saying that.

The Problem with Love & Desire

At that moment, I sensed that my presence was causing CC to experience intense feelings of regret or guilt, as he struggled to juggle his various interactions. In response, I made a commitment to him that I would try my best to distance myself, given that I had already started interviewing for new jobs elsewhere at least twice a month. I suspected that perhaps his conscience was troubling him, as he had probably assumed that our interaction would be nothing more than a passing fling, allowing him to keep a roster of other women on the side. It’s possible that when he first entered my life, he never anticipated our connection lasting very long, as he had even mentioned that he doubts that night. As a note to readers these were my assumptions based on what I could see at that time he never dared to clear up what he meant by saying any of this that night.

I believed that I might have been mishandling my interactions with CC – perhaps I was overly agreeable and accommodating. But I saw no reason to change my behavior. My goal was always to demonstrate to whomever I was interacting with, whether in a relationship, a situation-ship, or otherwise, that I valued their perspectives, experiences, and life stories. I didn’t want to be selfish and neglectful, failing to listen, assist, or be truthful during their time of need. When I first connected with CC, I aimed to maintain a certain level of transparency, which came naturally to me, as I knew a romantic relationship was unlikely. Despite encountering a few mildly uncomfortable situations based on my worldview, I believed we were enjoying ourselves and getting along well without involving love. Thus, this night left me perplexed, wondering if I had done something wrong.

The problem with love and desire is I knew that once we enter that realm, we could never be friends again. It was only lovers or enemies. For my experience, there was no in-between. Our upbringing shapes how we learn to love and interact with others. In my community, love from a woman’s standpoint is often viewed as a weakness to some degree. It’s love that frequently led women to fall into the tired stereotype of the foolish woman, loving a man who routinely violated their boundaries, cheated on them, beat them, lied to them, made them the butt of jokes, and eventually killed them – actions I’ve witnessed in person, the last of which stays with you after seeing the beaten, burned, and bullet-ridden body of a woman who was told “I love you” by a man who then turned his mouth and hand against her. Despite still reading romance novels in my spare time, I understood that they are purely a work of fiction. Based on CC’s own experiences, I believe it was reasonable for him to protect his heart and refuse to trust anyone else until enough time had passed. As for me, declaring my love would require significant shared life experiences as we navigation the ups and downs of human interactions. I knew love to never be perfect and to always have obstacles to overcome.

One could argue that I am cynical when it comes to love and desire, but who wouldn’t be in this world we inhabit? I no longer believe in love beyond the black-and-white pages of romance novels. I don’t even believe that a parent’s love is inherently superior anymore. The only love that I consider to be genuine is the love that a person has for God or a higher power. Following that, the only thing that comes close is a general love for humanity and animals as they exist. Beyond that, all we can do is strive to be kind to one another. Despite what I was told, I strive to do just that for CC, to be kind and understand that he is just a human-being and hoped that he understood that I lacked perfection too and was only human.

Honestly, I was sure I misunderstood the whole enteraction, but he never cleared it up and even speaking to him the next day he seemed to want to dismiss.

April Fool’s Day

After that night out, I wondered about what he said and what he saw in me. I do not think I was the prettiest or smartest, and I was under the impression that he didn’t like my body so I wondered why he said what he did? I wasn’t sure that he was even aware that I really wasn’t his type. Why was I having this experience? How could I fuck up a situation (friends with benefits) that all guys would love? Since he could never explain himself, I thought he had another girl on the horizon, and it was his way of deescalating the situation between us without making me feel bad. Regardless I still ended up feeling awful after this encounter, because it felt like an excuse.

Journal Extract – 3rd April 2022

It was a strange start to April, and a part of me wanted it to be an April fool day event.

***

My workload had lightened considerably since all the items I had been monitoring in the database had already been updated. As a result, my colleague and I were only tasked with sifting through paperwork to tidy up the mess. Despite the routine nature of the work, CC and I continued to maintain our daily rituals. We woke up, prepared for the day ahead, stood together during the morning meeting, exchanged well wishes, and then diligently started on our tasks.

A few weeks prior, CC had made the decision to purchase a home in his childhood town. With our project generating substantial income, I shared his conviction that this was the right move. During a conversation about his plans in the office, Jays’ husband interjected with a pessimistic forecast of an impending housing market crash. Disagreeing with his view, I spoke up in favor of CC’s decision to take the first step towards achieving his goals. Real estate means different things to different people, and given the favorable price point, I believed CC was making a logical choice. He was enthusiastic about owning his first home, and I saw it as a launching pad towards financial freedom for himself, his family, and anyone he chooses to bring along on his journey. Though it might entail some hard work now, the payoff would lead to a comfortable and secure future.

4th – 8th April 2022

With just a few days left before my departure, I’m already feeling a sense of nostalgia. I’ll miss the unbridled freedom we enjoyed, where work was our only priority, and we didn’t have to worry about cooking, cleaning, driving, or other mundane tasks. While the money was certainly a nice bonus, what I’ll miss most is the closeness I shared with CC. I know it might appear, upon rereading this, that my time here was unpleasant, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. It was a time of self-reflection, expression, and getting to know a stranger, which I found incredibly gratifying. Overall, it was a pleasure getting to know CC during our time here, and the time there will remind in my mind for years to come. It was the only time I really spent time with him.

As we sat down for dinner, I noticed that he was preoccupied with his phone. With the Easter weekend coming up, I took the opportunity to ask him about his holiday plans, knowing that we would have some time off. He responded quickly, saying that he would be going back home. However, I was skeptical of his answer, as he had previously mentioned that he couldn’t leave due to the project funding his new home purchase and he didn’t want to chance it only for a few days. I couldn’t help but feel that he was lying to me. This hurt me deeply because I would have preferred it if he had simply told me that he didn’t want to hang out, given how much time we had already spent together. Thus, the slippery slope begun.

Journal Extract – 6th April 2022

A few days after I arrived at the main worksite, he sent me a message on the Wednesday before Good Friday, informing me that he was going to Prague with his work crew and brother. When I asked him about his plans to go home, he simply said that he never intended on going home it wasn’t enough time to do anything. Which was the same thing he had said previously when I asked about his friend’s funeral. Naturally, I assumed that he wouldn’t be going home. So, when he said he was going home for the holidays I smelled dishonesty. So, I settled on the idea that he was lying becase he didn’t wan to tell the truth. While the truth might have been uncomfortable, I would have respected that more than saying he was going home when that wasn’t his intention. I am not sure why he did that and I could only assume it wsa because he didn’t want to make plans with me and saying that out loud would have bought him more discomfort than me. So, as we all do we settle for lies or slience.