A is for Anxiety (Journal Entry April 2022) Part II

As I returned to the primary worksite, leaving CC behind in Bavaria, a realization dawned on me: the distance between us wasn’t going to just be geographical. I felt that things would change between us. This realization left me with a sense of quiet acceptance, knowing that things would never be the same again.

Easter Holiday

He ended up in Prague with his brother and co-workers during the Easter Holiday.

As my holiday ended, I mustered the courage to send him a text. I knew deep down that it was best for us to end our communication and let this connection fade away. His night out before heading to Poland had already given me a glimpse of where things were with him, and the logical part of me understood that tranquilty was what I desired the most. While explaining my decision to him, I made sure not to delve into the events I witnessed during my time in Bavaria. He had done nothing that broke the law, but there was an unsettling feeling that this connection wouldn’t benefit me, but would benefit him. Which in retrospect was a selfish thought process. I knew something was amiss, and it felt like we weren’t being true to ourselves. Moreover, my intuition made it hard for me to feel comfortable with all of this, and ultimately, I realized that we both had some healing to do.

Looking back, I realize that I should have listened to my gut feelings and followed the guidance of my dreams, which started occurring at the end of January. However, at the time, I was swayed by the opinions of Mr. F, which made me doubt myself and my intuition. I found myself constantly battling the idea of Mr. F’s influence and how his words just might be the reason I didn’t trust CC. So every time I questioned myself I thought it was all due to the gossip I heard. Even when things seemed unbelievable or dishonest I often second guessed myself.

Although I may appear to be more stable than him on the surface, I realized that neither of us was ready to form an honest alliance. Witnessing his behavior while drunk and how he socialized with others led me to the conclusion that there was an underlying issue. Specifically, I felt that he was too honest with people during his intoxicated state who didn’t deserve his trust, which triggered my distrust of those who were culturally conditioned to act that way. As someone who was raised around addiction and was given her first drink at the age of five, I understood that this behavior might seem normal on the surface. However, I recognized there was a deeper issue, even if the behavior wasn’t habitual.

It became clear to me that CC and I both had our own demons to contend with, which made it difficult for me to feel safe, vulnerable, or form true intimacy with him once the awakening happened. While I knew him to be a genuinely thoughtful person, he seemed to lack awareness of others and self. While I struggled with my self-worth and often found myself being a people-pleaser and giver because I hated being disliked. On the other hand, he seemed to be a seeker of pleasure and extraverted activities, which was the opposite of me. Despite his self-centered and self-preserving nature, he didn’t seem to take care of himself enough, especially when interacting with others. I felt like he gave too much of himself to people who didn’t necessarily belong on his journey. The people he surrounded himself with intentionally and unintentionally and the things he indulged in seemed to overshadow his brilliance. While I understand that he may not agree with all my observations, and they may not be entirely accurate, the version of him I saw didn’t always match his actions, words, or potential.   

From January 2022 until April 2022, my connection with CC brought out something within me that I didn’t expect. As time passed, I became more self-conscious and secretive, and my self-esteem began to wane. I also started noticing traces of my traumas resurfacing, and I found myself internalizing many of his words and actions, thinking it had something to do with my inadequacies. Slowly, the façade that I had created started to crumble, and thoughts of CC became intrusive and anxiety triggering. At first, I didn’t understand what was happening to me, but it took me six months from April 2022 to realize that CC was not a person to fear, hate, or runway from, but he was a necessary presence in my life because he was a mirror.

Wednesday, 13th April 2022

Upon my return to work, I met with the manager who introduced me to CC. She was glad to see me back and eager to hear about my adventures. I held back many details of what had transpired between CC and me but confided in her about his drunken confession. Careful not to disclose the offensive remarks he had made, I shared that he had expressed feelings of falling in love with me and not wanting to hurt me. She was surprised, but not concerned, and said I hope you make it clear to him that the connection was meant to be fun and light-hearted, without any pressure to pursue a serious relationship. I didn’t get to tell him any of this because I didn’t think it was the right time to have that conversation with him, as he was not in a rational state of mind that night. I attempted to address the issue the day after he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. 

Inside, I was grieving the fact that I had met him because I knew deep down it was the wrong time and place. So, I said to her, ” I wish I didn’t meet him”. I had a feeling that when I started wanting to love him, he would ultimately reject me. Although we never sat down to have a direct conversation about the nature of our interaction, I assumed that it was a casual one until one of us left the job or we decided to end things. This assumption seemed natural to me until he started displaying public affection and saying things that made it questionable. I started to wonder if he was playing a game he was used to winning. I didn’t have any experience with playing with a person’s emotions in this way, I just wanted to be around someone who was different than me, fun, honest, and caring. And I naively assumed that on the surface I would forge a strange friendship. I was hoping for best friend status without the years of experience, and in hindsight, these feelings made me feel pathetic for thinking that someone outside of myself (especially a guy) would care enough create to an honest connection with me. For me there is a bit of embarrassment wrapped up in all of this, because later on this journey someone on the outside called it out and I couldn’t handle that.

Thursday, 21st April 2022

CC returned to the main worksite.

As I waited to see him, my nerves took hold of me as if it had been years since our last meeting. The fluttering butterflies in my stomach were unexplainable, but I couldn’t help feeling a sense of excitement. However, during the time apart, I had overthink our past interactions, criticizing myself harshly for any perceived weakness. When we finally met, I felt like I had to restrain a part of myself that I believed was too accommodating and weak. I decided to view the encounter as just a casual hook-up, a status that was not uncommon, so that I could remain emotionally guarded.

***

The initial moments of our encounter are a bit hazy to me. However, what I do remember vividly is sitting in my car, eagerly awaiting CC’s arrival, which finally happened around noon. Coincidentally, one of my coworkers whom I had grown quite fond of was present there as well. She had previously driven all the way to Bavaria to deliver a thoughtful care package to me, given that I was staying in a barebones hotel without any amenities before moving over to CC’s hotel. Hence, her visit was a much-needed event. It was during her visit that she met CC, who was also there at the time. After we interacted with each other he told me that he had many things to do today, especially with his brother living with him. Which signaled to me that he was going to be very busy for the next couple days or weeks.  When I got back to the car Jones asked me if I was seeing CC and if we slept with each other. I told her no, but that was a lie. I could have told the truth, but I lied because I didn’t think it was a good idea to divulge that information. It didn’t seem fair to CC and I was too closeted and shy about our interaction. Throughout my time of knowing him, I failed to let most people in my life know that I was seeing him. And would simply lie whenever someone inquired about seeing us together. Outside of the manager who knew and 2 other people, I felt like I had to lie about our connections to avoid problems in the future.

Thursday, 28th April 2023

Dream Diary Extract

I gave birth to a girl. CC was the father, but he left for an opportunity to have a good job elsewhere, so I went back home to my mother. I remember sitting in the living room with my mum facing me as I held the newborn in my arms. She was looking at me with disgust and judgment. She then uttered the words I told you that it will not be easy as she rolled her eyes (she seemed to disapprove of the whole situation, me having the baby, CC, and the circumstances surrounding how I got there). She hated the pairing and who I selected, but instead of saying it she just wore the feelings on her face. I felt very sad, alone, and overwhelmed with the responsibility. I remember standing up while holding the baby and she fell from my arms onto the chair. At this moment I was scared and warned about my ability to be a good mother but simultaneously worried that my mother would say I was unfit. When I looked down to pick up the child it had turned into an orange kitten that ran away from me. I began chasing it, thinking that I couldn’t do anything right. I had a baby with someone I didn’t know, my baby turned into a cat, and the cat ran away from me. I said not even the baby wants me. I chased this cat for a very long time around the world until it led me to a country. I was too busy looking down with my hands out trying to grab at the cat. When it finally stopped, I looked up and realized this cat had led me back to CC who was in another country. I don’t think the country was Germany, or our places of birth it was somewhere else in a warmer climate.

– Dream

Initially, I interpreted my dream quite literally, much like the time when a manager informed me that I had a baby and was living in a green plant house. However, several months later, I decided to take a closer look at the dream and try to decipher its underlying meaning. It occurred to me that the image of a baby might represent a fresh start, progress, and advancement in any aspect of life. I convinced myself that there must be some positivity embedded in the dream, and that something good was on the horizon, although I realized it might take years to materialize and wouldn’t be an overnight transformation.

Although I was somewhat anxious about the dream I had, I couldn’t help but feel relieved that it was a far better dream to have than one in which I attended someone’s wedding. Superstition has it that dreaming about someone’s wedding can be an ominous sign, potentially indicating that one or both of the individuals getting married might experience a calamity or mishap (death).

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